Food Network Rant

Because it's summer and I have nothing better to do that criticize daytime programming, I ask my inevitable question. When the heck will they replace Sandra Lee?

I'm so tired of having to flip channels when "Semi-Homemade with Sanda Lee" comes on. For God's sake a "tablescape" is TACKY. Dressing everything up with the same rick-rack trim/50 cent discount patterned Jo-Ann poly-blend fabric is TACKY. Calling every uninspired ingredient "something a little special" only highlights how UNspecial it is. Gross, bland, whitebread recipes are USELESS. TOO MUCH CAPITALIZATION IN A RANT ABOUT SANDRA LEE IS NOT EFFECTIVE ENOUGH.

All I'm saying is that they need to change out this holly-hobby show with something with more umph.

Exhibit A: HORRIBLE KWANZAA CAKE, really blonde lady? Really? No one running the network read this part of the program and thought... maybe we should leave this one out? Also decorating a cake with acorns... is stupid. They're toxic to humans, and you could easily have used walnuts. But that's really just nitpicking when it comes to the whole thing:

Horrific.

then theres

EXHIBIT B: Meatloaf Monstrosity (Someone please get this woman a meatloaf pan!)

EXHIBIT C: "Italian Topiary Tablescape". Monstrous! Monstrous! The good stuff starts at 1:02.

And just for fun,
EXHIBIT D: Bad Cocktail. Lemon juice+heavy cream+vodka...

There you have it. The Heidi Montag of the cooking world.

Forever 21 or 33AD?

With placement this sneaky, you'd think they were trying to convert the carpet.

No but seriously. Why did I never notice that Forever 21 was trying to Christianify it's shoppers with a poorly placed Bible reference on their shopping bags?

John 3:16 is printed on the bottoms referring to the famous passage: "For God so loved his only son that he put a hit on him so you could live forever... like Edward Cullen."

Thanks Forever21, but if I wanted an invitation to Sunday school I'd have just bought animal crackers and grape juice.

So very Noice.

Great news!!! The Harvard Voice, which I am proud to be a member of, has been up to some fantastic things.

Particularly, it's launched a new blog called "Noice" and a side project called HarvardFML. Both of which you can access with a simple click. In addition to being a staff writer I am also the web/blog director under the great control of m'dear Alisha Ramos... so I just felt that it merits a shout out on Lionswithantlers.

Mmm noice. It's going to be the shit. THE shit. We're so proud and we hope you like it :).

I just sort of love this photograph.

something... just...moves me.

Her Milkshake brought all the boys to the Yard

But then she took a big steaming shit and suddenly everyone lost interest.

I know its written and all... but Cambridge is smelly enough without the cowpie. Thanks, Faith but I would have preferred Febreeze.

They're Called Final Clubs for a Reason

...because they're last place I'd want to be on even the most busted of nights.

Acknowledging my bias: I am a lady and one of mixed race (none of those races being white). So the predatory terror and hodgepodge of sketchiness that smears itself along the walls and floors of these godforsaken relics of OldWhiteHarvard is something that I may feel more acutely than some. Most smart girls avoid these places like a public toilet with an old poo stagnating in it. Even still, sometimes I just find myself there... no explanation for that. And also, no excuse:

um, yeah...

Sometimes they can be the only places you can "stand in a circle around our pocket book and shoes... I just wanna dance". Especially considering Boston is not poppin', just not. So hordes -or shall I say whoredz- of underage ladies bounce their nubile selves into these joints for the mild entertainment of strange men in tuxes and medallions, or beachwear and ratty flipflops and backwards caps. All of these poor slights a little mixed up and just desperate for the attention they don't get without being bent over a beer pong table. Most of them just peek in, looking for something or someone, hoping to satisfy a weak curiosity... and always ending up disappointed for one reason or another.

All the misogyny, elitism, classism, and racism aside*... Final Clubs, or Finals Clubs, are like so many other institutions at Harvard. They're just rapidly deteriorating in the original quality that once made them what they were. Like the Lampoon that used to be funny; or the Crimson that used to get you somewhere; or like the Harvard name that used to not be attached to a clothing line. Everything losing its polish or spark or initial je ne sais quoi. And while I could bash on the whole Final Club scene, it's almost like teasing a retard. Just sort of pathetic on my part, really. And while I sort of hope that they're secretly doing more than planning the next weekend's party theme in these centuries-old buildings (like something remotely cool/cinematic like money laundering, illegal gambling, art smuggling, or minor drug trade)... I think we all know that they're just homo-ly daydreaming about which superneato underclassman they want to "punch" this season.

*haha, as if!

Lined Paper; Liner Notes; Hook Line and Sinker

I couldn't decide on a punny enough title for today's post, so there you have it, three choices.

Anyway, a few weeks back I emailed one of my favorite music bloggers (who is, as I have since discovered, also a musician) as I am currently in a serious creative slump. His name is Drew Worden and his wordpress blog, linesthroughlines, is scrupulously maintained and fucking fantastic. I somewhat presumptuously requested that he share with me a list of his favorite lyricists hoping it might spark a little sumpinsumpin in me that's been missing for a while.

To my surprise, he responded! In the sweetest, most generous way. Admittedly, upon getting his email back my heart was practically baking cookies in my chest, excited for the musical revelation to come. I doubt Drew will ever read this, but if you're out there buddy, thanks! I immediately was able to write a song, then I set mahself to thinking.

Who are my favorite lyricists?

Its hard to say. I like some really goofy shit sometimes, and its hard to deny the heart what it wants... even if sometimes what it wants is the refrain of a Hanson song. But attempting honesty as best as possible, without trying to be hip or novel, here are my faves:

1.) Aimee Argote of Des Ark
I've mentioned homegirl in a previous post, but god damn! She writes the most poignant things about ex girlfriends and ex boyfriends that I swear to Merlin, feel like they were torn from the perforated pages of my soul notes. Hyperbolic similes aside, she can be so perfectly raw and honest and masterful.

"We've got pills to ease our pain/And we've got bodies to hush our loneliness/There's enough of the two/ I think we're gonna make it through all right/We can get naked together/Take a turn and it's whatever/Just as long as we suffer from one another/You can hold my hand but you can never hold my heart"
-The Subtleties of Chores and Unlocked Doors

"Oh it feels so good to be used when you're using" -Lord of the Ring and His Fascist Timekeepers

2.) Chris Thile
Not always polished and perfect, but he writes the kind of things you'd love to hear that boy next door whisper in your ear.

"I am yours if you want me/and i'm sorry if you do/Cause i don't have that much to offer/ a girl who knows as much as you/ I am scared of your body/ I am scared of your soul /but i would rather be a letdown/ than let being with you go" -I'm Yours if You Want Me

"I came from California with an appetite for my own myths of music, love, and what they mean, I'm told it's borderline obscene. I tried to write this song before but had no one to write it for. My fellow travellers' vacant stares leave it up to you to care" -I'm Nowhere and You're Everything

3.)Andrew Bird
Sometimes a pithy mouthful, but the texture and the imagery of his words is always excellent.

"so here at the end the war is over/there’s nothing left to defend/no cliffs of Dover/so let us put down our pens/ and this concludes our test/our minds are scattered about/from hell to breakfast" -Simple X

"you took my hand and led me down to watch a papillon parade
we let the kittens lick our hair and drank our chalky lemonade
you squeezed my hand and told me softly that I shouldn't be afraid
'cause all the while your finger's resting gently on the masterfade" -Masterfade

4.)Wes Miles of Ra Ra Riot

"Orange lamps shine by willow bay/Ice covers from the lake to where I lay/In a state/ In which I dream/If you were here/Winter wouldn't pass quite so slow/And if you were here/ Then I'd have a choice to live not be alone " -Winter '05

I wouldn't say the word now but this is not what I meant/ For a woman that's fallen over head and ears/ And still so warm, but I'm lonely too/Suddenly she is still and says, "I hope that things will be better here." - Oh, La

5.) Erykah Badu
Not genius lyrics by any stretch of the imagination, but the delivery is so easy you half expect she's improvising on every line, no matter how many times and ways you hear her sing it. I love that.

I'm feelin' kind of hungry/'Cuz my high is comin' down/ Don't feed me yours/'Cuz your food does not endure/ I think I need a cup of tea/The world keeps burnin'/Oh what a day, what a day, what a day" -On and On

"Everything around you see/The Ankhs, the wraps, the plus degrees/And yes even the mysteries/Its all me/Sometimes it hard to move you see/When you growing publicly/But if I have to chose between/I choose me." - Me

6.) David Bowie
You can't get away with making popular music with these kinds of lyrics any more. For shame.

"I stumble into town just like a sacred cow/Visions of swastikas in my head/Plans for everyone/It's in the whites of my eyes/My little China Girl/You shouldn't mess with me/I'll ruin everything you are/I'll give you television/I'll give you eyes of blue/I'll give you men who want to rule the world" -China Girl

"A soldier with a broken arm/Fixed his stare to the wheels of a Cadillac/A cop knelt and kiss the feet of a priest/And a queer threw up at the sight of that/I think I saw you in an ice-cream parlour/Drinking milk shakes cold and long/Smiling and waving and looking so fine/ Don't think you knew you were in this song" -Five Years